My Defriender was a "boy" I had known while doing children's theater camp. I was 14, then 15, and he was 13, then 14. We were in this camp for two summers, and he dated my sister. I sometimes found him annoying. He had this odd habit of exhaling loudly through his nose, and his voice had a honking quality to it. He was very preppy and lived in Brookline. I had not seen him since a camp reunion in 1983 and didn't hear from him or even keep tabs on him until he friended me that April. (I use the term 'friended' instead of 'befriended' because the former implies becoming a friend on Facebook, and the latter implies becoming friends in person. It's a whole new virtual vocabulary.)
He was very careful to write, "I ran out of high school friends and thought I'd move onto…" Wow. How very flattering. But I shouldn't complain; at least he remembered me after 28 years! As I started to write back to him, going on and on about our mutual friends at the Boston Conservatory, it suddenly dawned on me that I was confusing him with another Jeff. Oops. Sorry, dude. How very flattering to him...
We exchanged a few "hey-how've-you-been-over-the-last-three-decades" type emails, and he actually seemed very interesting: he is a witty writer and an environmental activist. He eventually disclosed that he was already showing some "addictive behaviors" where Facebook was concerned and that his girlfriend thought he was spending too much time on the site. I then happened to mention that I was going to be in New York, where he lives, in a week or so, and would he (and his girlfriend) like to meet for a drink.
I was defriended before I ever got a response.
I went into a mini-tizzy and asked both my brother and sister to search for him on the site. When we discovered that he was no longer on Facebook at all, I relaxed. He had left the site, not specifically defriended me. I'm sure I cared about this so much at the time because I only had about 30 friends on the site total.
Now that I have 162 friends, it's a different story entirely. I am the one who wants to do the de-friending. I could defriend 41 people on my Facebook right now and never miss them. I then could defriend another 11, have mixed feelings about it but still move on with my life. My Facebook has become unmanageable and it's losing its lustre. Checking status updates used to be an indulgent, voyeuristic pleasure. Now, between reading all the comments, stupid status updates and the like, it has become more of an obligation/pain in the ass. I have to scroll through quite a bit of junk in order to read the updates in which I'm interested.
In the fourteen months since I have been on the site, I've learned that there different categories of Facebook Friends. The first is People Who Are Already in Your Life whom you know and love. My brother and sister fall right into this category, as do David, Kim, Alyson, Molly, Gloria, John, Wendy, Lorryn, Bob, Nancy, Susan and more. This group is easy and obvious. There will be few difficulties hanging out with these people online because it's already been established that there are few difficulties hanging out with them in real life.
The next category, however, is more tricky: People Whom You Knew Once Upon a Time. These are people you never expected to see again in your lifetime after you graduated, moved away, or ended the run of that show. Now, thanks to the miracle of being friended on Facebook, the friendship has been given a second chance! This is a group that bears watching over time, like any new relationship. As your acquaintance with this group grows, the individuals in it will start to fall into sub-groups:
A. People I Didn't Know Well With Whom I Now Have Nothing in Common.
B. People I Didn't Know Well Who Now Seem Really Cool.
C. People Who Were Once Cool and Remain Cool.
The people in sub-category A, in my opinion, are damned to that position first and foremost by boring Status Updates, and the vast majority of the people I want to defriend fall into this category.
Each of these folks may have written that he or she is...
"knitting socks for her love."
"getting ready to do Q4 estimated taxes," followed by "is still doing taxes."
"configuring an HTL router."
"is so sick of the snow!!" followed by, "What's with all this snow?"
You get the idea. To me, the Status Update is the most important part of the Facebook. It connects us in our daily lives, and behind each of these updates lurk hearts and souls full of heartbreak, anxiety, hope and humor. Much humor, I might add. Each update might be a good or a gripe, a vent, a warning, a political opinion, an exclamation or a brag. It's through these little snippets of everyday life that I can glimpse into a person's mind and heart and decide whether or not I want to know him or her better. Relationships exist in the details, and if the details don't interest me, I'd prefer to move on.
In addition, people in subcategory A may have joined groups that I find offensive or stupid such as "Pray for the conversion of Barack Obama," "1,000,000 Against the Freedom of Choice Act," "1,000,000 for Defending Prop. 8," or "Fans of Sarah Palin." Now I'm not saying that I should have everything in common with my friends, but it would be nice to have something in common with them. Beyond that, I'd like to hope that my "friends" don't belong to organizations that step on my or anyone else's civil rights. That's a dealbreaker, in real life and online.
The next sub-category B, People I Didn't Know Well but Who Now Seem Really Cool, is by far the most fun. Tom (aka "please call me Tommy"), Damon, Erick, Justine and Jay fit into this one. Who knew Damon and Erick were so damn funny, especially with their references to pop culture? Who knew that Justine was into yoga and the books of Ruth Reichl and that Jay is so passionate about the rights of greyhounds? Not me, and I never would have had I not been able to engage various virtual dialogues with them.
Here's a story to further illustrate my point. I was on the phone with my friend Kevin, who is neither on Facebook, nor in possession of an email address (!) We were supposed to get together, but instead, he was now asking to bring me as his "crash date" to a pre-Christmas party at Tom's. I initially balked at the suggestion.
"Kevin," I said, "I haven't seen him in 26 years, and you want me to just go over his house uninvited??"
"Yes," he said. "I'm sure he would love to see you."
"You know, it's RIDICULOUS," I said, sounding like one of my students. "I read the stuff that he writes on Facebook and he is so funny and cool that I would love to get in touch with him or hang out with him more but it feels SO STUPID because it's been 25 years! And it's all online!!"
Kevin breathlessly responded, ala Jack McFarland, "OhmyGod, he said the exact same thing about you!!!"
So I crashed the party, and we had a grand old time. Tommy was as upbeat, witty and funny in person as he was online. Oh, and Phil joined us at 11, was a blast to hang out with, and so add him to sub-category B as well. A key to moving into sub-category B, by the way, is that the Facebook relationship is moving off of the computer and into real life. If it does, then you've struck Facebook gold with a new old friend.
The third and final sub-category C, the once-cool-always-cool people, includes Joanne, Doc, Nat, Nick, Thom, Abigail, Roy, Christopher, Rob, et al. They may or may not Facebook enough to my liking or the online relationship has not picked up steam. No matter, I like what they write when they write it. They seem not to have changed at all, since we graduated, moved away or ended the run of that show, and this is very reassuring.
Additionally, I have created a Friends List on FB called Close Friends. It's made up of people from the group, People Who Are Already in My Life and folks from sub-categories B (people who now seem cool) and C (once cool always cool). I don't necessarily define these Close Friends as people I'm actually close to. We may not live near each other. We may not have seen each other in 25 years, but something about YOU makes me feel that I can trust you. I can write about the goings-on in my life, share my thoughts and opinions with you, and you may actually be interested in reading them. If you, dear reader, can link to this blog from my Facebook Info tab, then guess what? It's because you made it into my list of Close Friends. (You didn't think I'd share that essay about my period with just anyone, did you??)
But let's get back to that first group and the point of this essay: the about-to-be-de-friended.
In a recent Boston Globe article about the idea of getting in touch with people via Facebook and then running out of things to say (see sub-category A), the author noted that on the Japanese equivalent site, Mixi, the goal is to have fewer friends, not more. I tried to verify this information online and found this random quote:
"... the Japanese people don't add you as friend just so they can have 300 online friends or more. On the other hand, (Facebook is) full of 'friends whores'. And when people on Mixi add you, they tend pay more attention to you, like for example, send you messages, comment on your blog entries, etc. Surely not the case on (Facebook, Friendster, MySpace) where they just add you and that's the end of the story."
I don't understand why Americans feel this need to be Friend Whores... especially at "our age." I can understand why my students have 595 friends. They're 15 years old, insecure and still unsure about their identities. They have as many friends of convenience as they have friends by choice. Hey, I was "friends" with my lab partners in high school, too; doesn't mean I want to go out for a beer with them now.
Because of the concept of having fewer friends not more, because of the boring status updates, and because my Facebook is becoming harder to handle, I'm considering the idea of Mixi-ing It Up. I'm debating defriending. I am keenly aware, however, that if I felt a sting of insecurity when I was defriended by a slightly-honking, loudly-exhaling, pussy-whipped boy/man whom I barely knew 28 years ago, what message could I perhaps be sending to the 50+ folks with whom I no longer wish to remain in contact? It feels like an odd combination of liberation and mean-spiritedness. I mean, it shouldn't hurt anyone's feelings, should it? I mean, it's just a stupid social website isn't it? I mean, it's not REAL.
Or is it?
The truth, as my story about Tommy illustrated, is that it is real in its own way. It is, in fact, a community of real people with real lives. The only thing that's changed is the medium with which I engage that community, but I don't have to hang out with everyone in the community just because we all find ourselves on a common website. If being "friends" with everyone who asks me interferes with my enjoyment of Facebook, then something's got to give. On the one hand, it seems a little insulting to defriend someone or not accept his or her friend request in the first place. On the other hand, there's an utter ridiculousness to the idea of being offended that someone you haven't spoken to or even thought about in twenty years doesn't want to keep in touch.
And so I admit, there are those I want to run out of my community. Run'em out on a rail! Since initially drafting this essay over two weeks ago (yes, I work on these pieces for weeks, days, hours at a time), I took a chance and defriended 17 people. I'd love to add them to subcategory d, Those Whom I Wish Well but Have Defriended, but I can't remember their names, nor have I heard from any of them again... which is probably just as it should be.
Now that I have 162 friends, it's a different story entirely. I am the one who wants to do the de-friending. I could defriend 41 people on my Facebook right now and never miss them. I then could defriend another 11, have mixed feelings about it but still move on with my life. My Facebook has become unmanageable and it's losing its lustre. Checking status updates used to be an indulgent, voyeuristic pleasure. Now, between reading all the comments, stupid status updates and the like, it has become more of an obligation/pain in the ass. I have to scroll through quite a bit of junk in order to read the updates in which I'm interested.
In the fourteen months since I have been on the site, I've learned that there different categories of Facebook Friends. The first is People Who Are Already in Your Life whom you know and love. My brother and sister fall right into this category, as do David, Kim, Alyson, Molly, Gloria, John, Wendy, Lorryn, Bob, Nancy, Susan and more. This group is easy and obvious. There will be few difficulties hanging out with these people online because it's already been established that there are few difficulties hanging out with them in real life.
The next category, however, is more tricky: People Whom You Knew Once Upon a Time. These are people you never expected to see again in your lifetime after you graduated, moved away, or ended the run of that show. Now, thanks to the miracle of being friended on Facebook, the friendship has been given a second chance! This is a group that bears watching over time, like any new relationship. As your acquaintance with this group grows, the individuals in it will start to fall into sub-groups:
A. People I Didn't Know Well With Whom I Now Have Nothing in Common.
B. People I Didn't Know Well Who Now Seem Really Cool.
C. People Who Were Once Cool and Remain Cool.
The people in sub-category A, in my opinion, are damned to that position first and foremost by boring Status Updates, and the vast majority of the people I want to defriend fall into this category.
Each of these folks may have written that he or she is...
"knitting socks for her love."
"getting ready to do Q4 estimated taxes," followed by "is still doing taxes."
"configuring an HTL router."
"is so sick of the snow!!" followed by, "What's with all this snow?"
You get the idea. To me, the Status Update is the most important part of the Facebook. It connects us in our daily lives, and behind each of these updates lurk hearts and souls full of heartbreak, anxiety, hope and humor. Much humor, I might add. Each update might be a good or a gripe, a vent, a warning, a political opinion, an exclamation or a brag. It's through these little snippets of everyday life that I can glimpse into a person's mind and heart and decide whether or not I want to know him or her better. Relationships exist in the details, and if the details don't interest me, I'd prefer to move on.
In addition, people in subcategory A may have joined groups that I find offensive or stupid such as "Pray for the conversion of Barack Obama," "1,000,000 Against the Freedom of Choice Act," "1,000,000 for Defending Prop. 8," or "Fans of Sarah Palin." Now I'm not saying that I should have everything in common with my friends, but it would be nice to have something in common with them. Beyond that, I'd like to hope that my "friends" don't belong to organizations that step on my or anyone else's civil rights. That's a dealbreaker, in real life and online.
The next sub-category B, People I Didn't Know Well but Who Now Seem Really Cool, is by far the most fun. Tom (aka "please call me Tommy"), Damon, Erick, Justine and Jay fit into this one. Who knew Damon and Erick were so damn funny, especially with their references to pop culture? Who knew that Justine was into yoga and the books of Ruth Reichl and that Jay is so passionate about the rights of greyhounds? Not me, and I never would have had I not been able to engage various virtual dialogues with them.
Here's a story to further illustrate my point. I was on the phone with my friend Kevin, who is neither on Facebook, nor in possession of an email address (!) We were supposed to get together, but instead, he was now asking to bring me as his "crash date" to a pre-Christmas party at Tom's. I initially balked at the suggestion.
"Kevin," I said, "I haven't seen him in 26 years, and you want me to just go over his house uninvited??"
"Yes," he said. "I'm sure he would love to see you."
"You know, it's RIDICULOUS," I said, sounding like one of my students. "I read the stuff that he writes on Facebook and he is so funny and cool that I would love to get in touch with him or hang out with him more but it feels SO STUPID because it's been 25 years! And it's all online!!"
Kevin breathlessly responded, ala Jack McFarland, "OhmyGod, he said the exact same thing about you!!!"
So I crashed the party, and we had a grand old time. Tommy was as upbeat, witty and funny in person as he was online. Oh, and Phil joined us at 11, was a blast to hang out with, and so add him to sub-category B as well. A key to moving into sub-category B, by the way, is that the Facebook relationship is moving off of the computer and into real life. If it does, then you've struck Facebook gold with a new old friend.
The third and final sub-category C, the once-cool-always-cool people, includes Joanne, Doc, Nat, Nick, Thom, Abigail, Roy, Christopher, Rob, et al. They may or may not Facebook enough to my liking or the online relationship has not picked up steam. No matter, I like what they write when they write it. They seem not to have changed at all, since we graduated, moved away or ended the run of that show, and this is very reassuring.
Additionally, I have created a Friends List on FB called Close Friends. It's made up of people from the group, People Who Are Already in My Life and folks from sub-categories B (people who now seem cool) and C (once cool always cool). I don't necessarily define these Close Friends as people I'm actually close to. We may not live near each other. We may not have seen each other in 25 years, but something about YOU makes me feel that I can trust you. I can write about the goings-on in my life, share my thoughts and opinions with you, and you may actually be interested in reading them. If you, dear reader, can link to this blog from my Facebook Info tab, then guess what? It's because you made it into my list of Close Friends. (You didn't think I'd share that essay about my period with just anyone, did you??)
But let's get back to that first group and the point of this essay: the about-to-be-de-friended.
In a recent Boston Globe article about the idea of getting in touch with people via Facebook and then running out of things to say (see sub-category A), the author noted that on the Japanese equivalent site, Mixi, the goal is to have fewer friends, not more. I tried to verify this information online and found this random quote:
"... the Japanese people don't add you as friend just so they can have 300 online friends or more. On the other hand, (Facebook is) full of 'friends whores'. And when people on Mixi add you, they tend pay more attention to you, like for example, send you messages, comment on your blog entries, etc. Surely not the case on (Facebook, Friendster, MySpace) where they just add you and that's the end of the story."
I don't understand why Americans feel this need to be Friend Whores... especially at "our age." I can understand why my students have 595 friends. They're 15 years old, insecure and still unsure about their identities. They have as many friends of convenience as they have friends by choice. Hey, I was "friends" with my lab partners in high school, too; doesn't mean I want to go out for a beer with them now.
Because of the concept of having fewer friends not more, because of the boring status updates, and because my Facebook is becoming harder to handle, I'm considering the idea of Mixi-ing It Up. I'm debating defriending. I am keenly aware, however, that if I felt a sting of insecurity when I was defriended by a slightly-honking, loudly-exhaling, pussy-whipped boy/man whom I barely knew 28 years ago, what message could I perhaps be sending to the 50+ folks with whom I no longer wish to remain in contact? It feels like an odd combination of liberation and mean-spiritedness. I mean, it shouldn't hurt anyone's feelings, should it? I mean, it's just a stupid social website isn't it? I mean, it's not REAL.
Or is it?
The truth, as my story about Tommy illustrated, is that it is real in its own way. It is, in fact, a community of real people with real lives. The only thing that's changed is the medium with which I engage that community, but I don't have to hang out with everyone in the community just because we all find ourselves on a common website. If being "friends" with everyone who asks me interferes with my enjoyment of Facebook, then something's got to give. On the one hand, it seems a little insulting to defriend someone or not accept his or her friend request in the first place. On the other hand, there's an utter ridiculousness to the idea of being offended that someone you haven't spoken to or even thought about in twenty years doesn't want to keep in touch.
And so I admit, there are those I want to run out of my community. Run'em out on a rail! Since initially drafting this essay over two weeks ago (yes, I work on these pieces for weeks, days, hours at a time), I took a chance and defriended 17 people. I'd love to add them to subcategory d, Those Whom I Wish Well but Have Defriended, but I can't remember their names, nor have I heard from any of them again... which is probably just as it should be.
