Miss Pronunciation

Part I - My Own Damn Name

Since I first learned how to speak, I have spent close to four decades correcting the pronunciation of my last name, Diozzi. For the record, it's pronounced dee-OH-zee, not dee-OZ-zee, not DIE-oh-zee, not DIE-oz-zee or my personal favorite, Dizzio. I am not related to the football player, Steve DeOssie.

It is, I grant you, a fairly annoying task to have to clarify the pronunciation of your surname for the length of your natural life, but in honor of my father and great-grandparents and Italian American heritage I do it. With a last name like mine, it's hard not to be sensitive to mispronunciations, of my name specifically and of regular ol' mispronunciations of other words in general. It's a constant battle, but my siblings and some of our extended family think it's worth it, despite the occasional awkward moment.

Sadly, three out of four of my first cousins on my father's side all choose to allow others to pronounce our name dee-OZ-ie, a habit they fell into in high school. I know this because I once met a group of teachers from their high school who could not for the life of them figure out who my cousins were until I deliberately starting mispronouncing their last name. When my cousin Joe (who, btw, butchers our last name but who no longer appreciates being called Joey) got married last year and he and his bride were introduced as the DiOZZies, my sister and I turned to each other and said "Who the hell are the DiOZZies??" It was quite jarring, to say the least, to hear our name mispronounced throughout the toasts and introductions.

This is all pretty much due to my cousins' complacency about correcting people; perhaps they don't want to make others uncomfortable by correcting them or perhaps they just couldn't be bothered. I, on the other hand, have spent much of my professional life, especially working in schools (and changing schools) making sure my co-workers and students all know how to say my name correctly.

Aside: Last year, I was proctoring the SATs at the high school at which I work, and I noticed a girl assigned to my room was wearing a Belmont High jacket. Now despite the fact that my Irish great-grandfather used to own huge parcels of Belmont land in the 19th century, the big name in that town in recent years has been Diozzi. According to my sources (The Boston Globe and Google), my second cousins, Andrew? Matt? Christopher? were popular, hockey-and-football-playing big-men-on-campus at Belmont High. So I asked this young lady if she knew any of them. She, a friend of Andrew, said, "Yes. When I saw your name on the board, I figured you were related." "Just out of curiosity," I said at the end of our chat, "How do they pronounce their last name?" "Dee-OH zee," she said, "and they will totally correct you if you say it wrong." Oh, how I LOVE these boys!

My transition into the school system in which I've been working for the last few years was made easier by another BMOC on our campus. When I began working at my BHS, I learned that I had a student in my caseload who was both president of his class and an academic standout whose last name was Magliozzi. He, too, pronounced it with a long "o," and for two years, I hitched my pronunciation wagon to his star and told people my last name "rhymes with Magliozzi." Problem solved.

Part II - Beyond My Own Damn Name

The mispronunciation of my name is hardly unique. Part and parcel of my Italian grandparents' quest for assimilation into American life has been the general erosion over time of the Italian language as translated into English. When I was growing up, we said 'minestron-e' and 'calzon-e.' Not so anymore. One all too common mispronunciation, which drives most Italo-philes absolutely crazy is to say 'brushetta' instead of 'brusketta.' This one is worth correcting. Once when I ordered it with the correct pronunciation, a waitress "corrected me back." I took it out of her tip.

In everyday life, I have a co-worker who says 'cuppachino,' and another one who says 'supposably.' While we're on the subject of work, which for me includes college counseling, the little college near Dartmouth is called St. Anselm, not St. Ansellems. Quinnipiac: accent is on the first syllable, not on the Pee. Notre Dame is pronounced as it's spelled. It's not Nota Dame. (Just say ND; it's much hipper). There is no Z in Syracuse. And the WORST: John_ Hopkins. Yes, Johns Hopkins was founded by one guy, but his name was Johns, not John. (His first name was actually a family name.) The second time one of my former senior applicants referred to it as John_Hopkins, I simply looked him in the eye and said very firmly, "You go into your interview and say 'John,' you're not gettin' in." (He got in.) Finally, the FAFSA (Free Application for Federal Student Aid) is not pronounced FASFA. If your child's college counselor gets this wrong, chances are he or she might not be big into details. You've been warned.

And there are more:

My personal everyday favorite mispronunciation is "play it by air." Yes, I have a good friend who both says and writes this phrase. No matter how much we tease or make fun of her, she just can't self-correct.

Often - Google and Wikipedia say it's OK to pronounce the T, which I hate. I will not win the fight on this one, but it grates on my ears to hear the 't.' When people pronounce the T, it just makes me think that they're trying to remind us that they know how to spell "often." Wow. I'm impressed.

Di-rector - This is a big Massachusetts colloquialism. There is a tendency here to day Die-rect (or worse, die-ozzie).

Places in and around Boston - tourists take note:

Tremont St. - New Yorkers usually screw this one up. It's Treh-mont, not Tree-mont.

Public Garden, Boston Common - NO esses!!!

Oak Bluffs - town in Martha's Vineyard. It's NOT Oaks Bluff_.

Louisburg Square - OK, this one is tough. It's Lewis-burg Square. Don't get all pretentious and say, "Looie" like Louis IV. You'd be wrong. Oh, and while we're talking about Louis, it's Julia "Looie"-Dreyfus, not Julia LOUISE Dreyfus. (More on actors follows.)

Gloucester, Leicester and Worcester - It's Gloster, Lester and Wooster (like wuss). Pretend you're a Brit while you're here.

Now that Nordstrom has opened at a local mall, I've made it my mission in life to correct people when they say Nordstrom's. Not to be confused with Filene's, it's just Nordstrom. You wouldn't say The Gap's, would you??

Massachusetts - there is no Z here. I have friend who says Massachoozetts. If you ever see Donny Osmond in an interview and he talks about having been in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, he will say Jozeph. Makes me insane. Note to Donny: Stop talking, take your shirt off, and sing!

And while we're on the subject of Donny Osmond, I also get peeved when I hear people mispronounce actors' and other celebrities' names. I don't really understand how this happens. For some reason we're a nation that can pronounce Mariska Hargitay (probably because we have no choice but too learn that one) but we cannot for the life of us get it right when it comes to Mr. Big Chris Noth (rhymes with BOTH). This man corrects his name every single time he's on a talk show and yet people still get it wrong. (Nice to see that this happens to WASPs, too.) Catherine Zeta Jones is on the record as saying Zeeta. So it's Zeeta.  J. K. Rowling is "rolling." Ralph Fiennes is "Rafe Fines." (I once really embarrassed myself within the world of showbiz by getting that one wrong, but in my defense it was literally the day after the NY premiere of Schindler's List and he was not yet famous.) Ralph Lauren is Lauren like the girl's name; Donna Karan, Karen like the girl's name. Christian Louboutin, OK, well that one's hard. But I can't tell you how to pronounce everything, so go ask a salesman at Nordstrom_.

Roasted Cherry Tomatoes (for bruschetta) - from The Boston Globe Magazine

(OK, this recipe technically is not for bruschetta, but you could potentially put these tomatoes on bread and there you have it, bruschetta.)

Put 10-15 cherry tomatoes in a non-stick baking or loaf pan.

Pour 3-4 T olive oil over tomatoes to coat, shaking pan to coat further.

Sprinkle dried basil, chopped fresh or dried rosemary and dried oregano on top of tomatoes until they are well-covered.

Bake, uncovered at 400 degrees for about a half hour or until the tomatoes begin to collapse or brown.

Best served on wild rice.

** I once accidentally made this with rosemary, basil and thyme and it was just as good.

Buying Stuff from TV

During the summer, I'm a stay-at-home-educator, and despite having as Frank McCourt calls it, ATTO (all that time off), my schedule pretty much mirrors the one I keep during the school year. I'm up around 7ish, even on weekends, and because I am a channel surfer supreme, I openly admit that I watch infomercials, QVC and sometimes HSN. I freely admit that I've purchased (and returned) merchandise from TV, too. So here's my take on stuff you can buy on TV.

Proactiv. Probably the best product you can buy on television or for your skin, period. I've been using this stuff since before their spokesperson, Jessica Simpson, was born. OK, maybe not. In 1995, I developed a mild case of rosacea, and in every picture taken of me at the time, my cheeks are really flushed. I gave off a perpetual look of just having had sex or worked out. While I won't comment on the sex part, it was for sure that I hadn't worked out. When I learned that working out could exacerbate rosacea, I stopped doing impact aerobics, and gained ten pounds that I've never lost. I am in fact, much more vain about my face than I am about my thighs. Hey, a girl has to set priorities.

In addition to trying not to flush my face, I cooled it on alcohol (bummer) and tried a couple of medications. One, mitronidozole (?), or something like that, literally flaked my face like a bad sunburn. At one point, desperate for a cure, I bought these $75 salt stones from the internet. They worked better than the medications, but I still was "flaky." Then one day, as they say on the infomercial, I was watching a Proactiv commercial for the millionth time and finally decided to buy it. I called a customer service rep., and asked if it would help acne rosacea. She said they had no evidence of that, but with their money-back guarantee, I had nothing to lose. So I bought it and tried it, and just like those sob stories on the commercial, my skin improved within 24 hours.

Over ten years later, I'm now reduced to using it only occasionally, but I'm happy to report the rosacea is gone. I still work out and drink. And for a healthy glow, even have sex sometimes. NICE. P.S. I've told the Proactiv people how much this product helped my rosacea, but they still don't market it that way. If you know someone with rosacea, they should give it a try.

The Firm - Ah, my love-hate relationship with The Firm. In 1990, I went to see my friend Kevin's friend Jimmy's girlfriend play Louise in Gypsy. In the musical, she had to strip (tastefully), and she looked great. I asked her how she got in shape for the role, and she said that she did an exercise video called The Firm. $50 later, I had the same video - the first Firm video, starring Susan Harris, one of many thin, pretty, cut Master Instructors with a Southern accent. The video is outdated: they use wooden blocks for squats and the instructor wears jazz shoes, but man, oh, man, that is a good workout.

Today, you can buy The Firm on TV. They stay in business by creating a new exercise product (also known as a gimmick) for each new video series. Whether it's a 10" step up box, a 14" fanny firming system, adjustable weights (which they originally criticize in the first video), or a cumbersome sculpting stick, they always come up with something new to keep you interested. What keeps me interested, though, is the original choreography, by a woman named Anna Benson. I still do "Firm I," "Firm IV," and Complete Aerobics and Weight Training with Emily. My favorite instructors are Susan Harris, Kai Soremekun, Emily Welsh and Allie del Rio. I think Jen Carmen is full of herself and the Janet Jones Gretsky tape is laughable. (She can't cue in time and throughout the video refers to the back-of-your-arm muscles as "tricepts.")

I admit (and you can see) that I haven't been 100% faithful to The Firm over the years, and whenever I gain weight, it's because I've stopped doing The Firm. The thing that sucks/is great about The Firm is that it's HARD. And if you stop doing it, it can be a real challenge to get back up to speed with it. Let's face it, if you were doing lunges with no weights and then you gain ten pounds, now you have to do the same damn lunges with ten pounds - yours! Despite a recent knee injury, I'm doing the tapes again. Underneath my top layer of fat, I have significant muscles and am very toned. In fact, I am a strong, fast kayaker, an activity I do only sporadically, due to the fact that I've been doing "lat rows" with The Firm for 18 years. Same for my delts. If you can fall in love with lifting weights, you will feel like you can kick ass. If you want to try The Firm, you can buy it on TV or at Target. Or you can buy the videos used on ebay or Amazon.

Murad - I tried Murad once for a moisturizer, and went right back to Proactiv.

HSN Technibond - This is great fake gold jewelry, ladies. If you want to buy yourself a little "bauble" but can't afford gold (and I am a gold girl), the HSN costume jewelry rocks.  (Note:  I wrote that this is great fake jewelry for women to buy for themselves.  No self-respecting man should ever buy his S.O. jewelry from television and no self-respecting woman should ever accept it.)  I have a fake sapphire, which is very dramatic at fancy events, and a new citrine ring. I had a stunning right-hand ring that absolutely looked real, but it was stolen out of my car. (I had taken it off to go to the gym. See, if I'd been doing The Firm at home, I'd still have my ring.)

Wen Hair Care - run, don't walk, to your remote and turn off this ridiculous informercial. I should have known that anything starring Melissa Gilbert was a crock. I'm sorry, but putting more and more goop in your hair every day can NOT make it cleaner. This stuff is gross. Oh, and if you don't listen to me and buy it, make sure you get a tracking # when you return it. You may have to follow up to make them credit you.

Principal Secret - I've never tried it, but my friend Christine, who had some skin issues, LOVES it.

QVC - Some of their stuff is great. I have a large, wooden jewelry armoire (to hold all my HSN technibond rings), and a really cool faux toille makeup organizer that I bought from QVC and LOVE. They are both an organizer's dream and are of good quality. As much as I love Joan Rivers, her jewelry is just too old and conservative for me. I admit I've bought some and then returned it right away. I've also fallen in love with Maxx NY handbags on QVC. They're gorgeous and of course, cheaper than at Nordstrom. QVC also sells Birkenstock sandals. Please don't ever buy these. From anybody. You will just look like an unattractive hippie.

Bare Minerals - great product; it hides a multitude of skin sins and I believe, as they claim, that it does really improve my skin's tone. You can buy it for less at Sephora or Ulta than on TV. My friend Steve Sollitto, who is a hair and makeup stylist in LA, recommended it to me a few years ago. Love it. I don't like the eye shadow, though, and I don't believe that all colors of eye shadow work for any shade of eyes, as they claim. The Almay "play it up" series is much better for making your eyes "pop."

Sheer Cover - Oh, Leeza, SHUT UP. She is really annoying. I don't know how someone can be so cheerful all the time, and so thoroughly grateful to have been voted off Dancing with the Stars. I bought Sheer Cover because I got bored with Bare Minerals (same reason why I tried Murad). Sheer Cover is, in a word, ICKY. It's like pancake makeup and I returned it. However, their mascara and lip glosses are lovely. They go on smoothly and look beautiful. You have to be a Sheer Cover "member" though, in order to get products; BUT being a member means that unless you're up their ass all the time, they'll keep sending you the Sheer Cover base makeup even after you've told them you only want a damn lip gloss. Buy their stuff - on ebay.

And finally we have Jeanne Bice's Quacker Factory. This is the saddest segment on QVC and perhaps on television. This ridiculous, fat, head-band-wearing woman sells these equally hideous "theme" sweaters and T shirts on QVC. Coming soon: "Jesus on the Cross embroidered Easter cardigans!" If Stacy and Clinton were dead, they'd be rolling in their graves. This segment is now a frequent target of Joel McHale on E!'s The Soup. Thank God. If anyone in my family ever bought something from Quacker Factory, I'd disown them.


Lo-cal Fruity Vodka Martini for Summer

Mix 1/3 Absolut Mandrin vodka with 2/3 Ocean Spray Light Cran-Raspberry. Garnish with a lemon or lime.

Don't drink too many or you'll buy stupid things from TV and/or get rosacea.

Independence Day

It's one o'clock in the morning on July 5th, and I can't sleep due to the hideous, random sounds of firecrackers going off in my neighborhood and its environs.  These are not fireworks, mind you, although I have heard the occasional hiss and swoosh periodically.  These are firecrackers, which I admit, the purpose of which I just don't get.  

There are many ways to celebrate Independence Day (and btw, the name of the holiday is Independence Day.  It's no more "the 4th of July" any more than Christmas is "the 25th of December.").  Some people celebrate with fireworks, which I have no objection to, because they're beautiful, tricky and mesmerizing.  There's a rhyme and reason to fireworks.  Other ways to celebrate include playing music, having patriotic sing-a-longs, painting one's nails red, white and blue, or, more impressively, some people celebrate by reading the Declaration of Independence out loud on Salem Common, as my  mother did yesterday morning.  (Go Hannah!)

Truth be told, I've always found the Declaration of Independence, despite its significance, to be a bit of a dull read.  I was actually surprised when my mother told me that it's only nine minutes long when read aloud. If I had to read great papers of our nation, I'd prefer to read The Gettysburg Address, the Bill of Rights or the "I Have a Dream"  speech.  The Declaration just seems kind of, well, whiney.  And all those s's that look like f's!  Oh my God, it makef me infane!  And as a woman of action, I'm more about dumping crates of tea off the enemy's ships than writing home about it.    

But why celebrate with firecrackers, people?  Are you trying to make us all be grateful for living in a free country by making the city sound like downtown Baghdad?  By scaring dogs and children?  Is this how you pretend to be a well-armed militia, by making noises that just sound like gunshots?

Of course it's guys setting these things off, too, and probably pretty unsophisticated guys with Napoleon complexes at that.  Let's face it, fellas, Independence Day ended an hour and a half ago.  Time for everyone to go to sleep and dream the American dream.  Though I am grateful that I don't live in Baghdad and that the shots and crackles outside my window are fake, the way for me to be the best darn American I can be is to get some sleep.  Maybe if I read something, I'll be able to nod off.  Too bad I don't have a copy of the Declaration of Independence in my nightstand.

Welcome

I should be doing ANYTHING other than writing this blog, let me tell you. For instance, right now I could be going to the grocery store, working out or writing a paper for a graduate class I’m taking. But no, I’ve decided to indulge myself by finally, finally, finally starting a blog.

I’ve wanted to blog for years now but have had serious concerns about sparing the time to do it. If I were to allow myself the opportunity, I could write and edit for hours, and in fact, have. I have fond memories of writing letters to friends, an activity that I let lapse when I first got "the conformists' internet provider," America Online version, um, 4.0 (?), eleven years ago.

Back in the early 90’s, in the pre-AOL days, when I was employed as a casting associate in New York City, I spent many a happy, indulgent hour writing long, funny (so I was told) letters to my actor friends who were on the road. One of them, Kevin, often told me how much he looked forward to getting my letters and that he would share the funnier parts with his cast mates. Sometimes he would make special requests that I write to him, even though he rarely wrote to me. Another friend, Debbie, would tell me that when one of my letters arrived in the mail, she wait to read it, preferring to snuggle up with it at bedtime. She didn't write to me either, but this collective stroking of my ego served to inspire me to write my best in these three-to-four page, single-spaced letters, so my friends would have something to look forward to reading on their various buses and/or trucks. Don't be fooled, though; I was writing for myself as much as I was writing to them.

I wrote these long letters also because I was lonely and I missed my friends. Unlike them, I was not surrounded by a touring company of crazy actors. The title of "Casting Associate" is not as prestigious as it sounds. Often if means, "second in command of a two person office." On days without interns or during weeks when the folks from the Williamstown Theater Festival office down the hall were actually at the Williamstown Theater Festival, or when my boss was out, which was often, I was the one casting associate in town who welcomed actor "pop-ins." This is how I became friends with Joanne Lessner, but I digress. I simply wanted to engage in conversations with people, and thus, my missing friends appeared to me when I wrote to them. I passed many a long hour writing and editing my letters, so that they would be as entertaining as possible. I couldn't have put more effort into them if I were Martha Stewart making and shipping each of my friends a box of homemade cupcakes. My letters served as little paper care packages - three-to-four pages, single spaced.

I've come to realize that I miss writing for fun. And so here we are.

Just for the record, you have no idea how many hours of thought and pre-writing, re-writing and ultimately deletion have already gone into this blog. It’s my intention to use this blog vent, persuade, be funny, create, commiserate, disagree and share. Recipes included.

At first I thought I’d use a letter-writing format for the blog, but I just couldn’t get that off the ground. Then I found the Yogi Berra quote online and the rest is history. It’s about smiling and salt, with the use of salt being my metaphor for not being sweet all the time. Plus Yogi Berra is a funny philosopher, which I, too, aspire to be.

So that’s my introduction, and here’s Summertime Recipe #1:

Tom Colicchio’s Avocado Toast for Breakfast

Take an avocado and mash it up with a generous amount of extra virgin olive oil, salt and pepper. Spread it on toast. Serve it at brunch and people will be impressed with you, which is actually kind of sad when you think about it.