Nemeses

My friend, MJ, author of Now is Not a Time, once wrote a blog piece on nemeses, and I thought it was such a good idea, I had to steal it. A nemesis, for those of you who don't have a dictionary handy, is an undefeatable foe or, in day to day life, someone who simply drives you nuts.

For a liberal, East Coast gal like me some of my nemeses are easy and obvious: Ann Coulter, Osama bin Laden, Miss California, A-Rod, Bill O'Reilly, "Real" NYC Housewife Kelly Bensimon, Stephen from Top Chef Season One and Wendy from the first Project Runway. They're so icky, I don't even want to waste the ink on them. Anyone who knows me knows why I would have issues with those people listed (or at least have issues with their personae, since I don't actually "know" them).

The people I'm going to write about are not your average nemeses. These are seemingly nice, normal talented people who, underneath the surface, are actually the personification of the Devil himself. When these people appear in my life or even just in my field of vision, my blood pressure goes up a couple of points and I remember.

And so, without further ado, here they are, in no particular order:

Bob Greene – oh, how I used to love him and oh, how I loathe him now! Bob Greene is the man responsible for making Oprah thin… the second time. Not the time she crash dieted on Slim Fast and dragged the wagon of fat onto her set, but the time she lost all that weight in the late 90s and ran a marathon. Remember? Bob Greene was the trainer she hired to help her, and together they wrote a book called Make the Connection. It's a pretty good book which I still own.

My problem with Bob Greene is not his thoughts or expertise regarding exercise or his insights into the emotional reasons why Americans overeat. I gather that he is an amazing trainer and would probably love him even if he made me jog/walk up small mountains at 5 o'clock in the morning.

No. Where Bob Greene and I part ways is over is his recommendations and thoughts on food. Oh, wait, I don't mean food. I mean food products or reasonable facsimiles thereof. You see, Bob, through his Best Life Program, has sold his name, like a common whore, to every major food company who will have him.

He has endorsed such sickening non-food products as Better 'n Eggs (which apparently are so fake that they even substituted an "'n" for "than"), Slim Fast, a product from which Oprah re-gained all her weight in the 1990s and which gave my friend, Eileen, kidney stones; Benefiber, for those fat-assed Americans too lazy to eat broccoli, greens, apples, rice or whole wheat and who must compensate for a lack of fiber by eating powdered fake fiber; Lean Cuisine, pre-packaged lunches the flavor of which comes strictly from excessive sodium; and Skinny Cow ice cream snacks, which are so bland you'll want to eat two. If Michael Pollan, the author of the best-selling The Omnivore's Dilemma, were dead, he'd be rolling in his grave (but Michael Pollan will live forever because he doesn't eat Bob Greene's Best Life Crap). I also fail to understand how Dr. Oz, another Oprah-discovered-health guru but one who touts "one ingredient foods," can stand to sit on the same stage with Bob Greene when they appear together.

Oh, wait. I stand corrected. Bob Greene does, in fact, endorse "Grapes from California." Not Grapes from New York, Washington or my grandmother's grape arbor, just grapes from California. Woo hoo! Bring on the grapes and my best life ever!

Most Employees of Dunkin Donuts - You know exactly what I'm talking about with this one. I'm sure they're very nice people, but I feel as if the vast majority of people who work at DDs just don't get it. They don't understand what "a little bit of cream" means. I do not want my coffee to look like melted coffee ice cream. A few weeks ago, I was in line with one other woman, and a third woman was at the counter awaiting her order. One employee was obviously waiting on her, and the other three women behind the counter were completing various tasks. I understand that someone has to make the coffee, I really do, but finally, it began to dawn on the other customer and me that all four of the employees were waiting on the woman at the counter. She had four servers and we had exactly none. I passively aggressively said to my fellow neglected customer, "Wow, she gets four employees to help her!" and then someone asked me for my order. Which they promptly got wrong. Happens every time.

Gwyneth Paltrow – ("and her big bag of bullshit," as Kathy Griffin is quick to add). I think Gwyneth is a fantastic actor. She lights up the screen, is engaging and funny and warm. But... have you seen her narcisstic website goop.com? You can log on and Her Royal Highness Gwyneth Paltrow will tell you how to live your life – how to exercise, what to wear, what to say (or not say) to your frenemies, and get this, "nourish the inner aspect." Huh? The problem is, I don't care who her trainer is, and I sure as hell don't care about her recommendations for kid-friendly restaurants in New York City. In fact, I will avoid these like the plague, and HRH GP is welcome to kiss my inner aspect any time any day.

And while I'm ranting, let me also say that I don't want to hear her thoughts on food in Spain. Have you watched that show where she's on the road with Mario Batali? She comes and goes from episodes as she pleases and has absolutely nothing to offer when she's on screen.. I mean, who the hell does she think she is? Bob Greene - telling me how vivir mi mejor vida?? And that Mario Batali's not much fun, either. I keep waiting for him to keel over from a heart attack after watching him indulge in too much food and rioja.

Oh, my God, my blood pressure… Good thing it's on the low side to begin with…

That One Boy Who Holds Up SAT Administration Because He Can't Write in Cursive - When students take the SAT for college admission, they have to hand write, in cursive and in pencil, a statement verifying their identity and integrity. I joke with them that this is the hardest part of taking the SAT, and I always get a chuckle in response. There is always That One Boy, however, who just can't write in cursive and who will simultaneously annoy the crap out of you AND break your heart as you watch his sad, slow efforts. This year, after ten solid minutes, I finally had to move on with the test and discreetly tell the boy he could finish the statement at the next break.  For the record, they have to write in cursive because it's a handwriting sample. In case they cheat. Which occasionally one or two of them do.

Jeanne Bice - A fat, elderly entrepreneur, Ms. Bice has made her fortune selling seasonal sweaters to women who obviously don't watch What Not to Wear. She is insane, a little bit anti-Semitic (as seen on clips of her QVC appearances captured on The Soup), and cackling all the way to the bank. Her sweaters are pictured below. I will let her work speak for itself.

Admit it, she's your nemesis now, too, isn't she?

Historical Re-enactors - Last August, I almost went two rounds with an uptight, fake Pilgrim who insulted my 8 year-old nephew at Plimoth Plantation. This non-Equity Puritan wannabe, who acted more like a wiseass version of John Lennon than John Winthrop, took my nephew to task for not really knowing the Bible and if memory serves, for including Star Wars in one of his questions. Now, I understand that these people want to be true to their characters and times, but the REAL reason they are there is to TEACH people about colonial America. Alienating my nephew isn't going to make him want to learn more about early US history. Perhaps our Puritan friend could have been more curious, albeit in a 17th century way, about Jake, "Prithee, what is this war in the stars of which you speak?"

In general, I find historical re-enactors to be lower-quality actors who take themselves, their characters, and their historical lifestyles waaaay too seriously. It's not a docu-drama, people, and I'm soooo sorry if we've disturbed your weaving. God forbid, you actually engage the tourists and make them want to learn about your craft or your lifestyle. You're there to help educate tourists about what this period in life was like; it's important to win them over and engage them, not make them roll their eyes, make fun of you and/or cringe in embarrassment. It's not about you, your funny hat or your costume. I think historical sites would be well advised to hire teachers for these positions, not actors. Let's face it, no one ever got to Broadway via Monticello.

Boston Furniture Store Owners on TV -

“Bernie and Phyll’s – quality, comfort and Yankees.”

My friend Meg and her husband used to sing this version of the Bernie and Phyll’s furniture jingle while they were living in Mass. Transplanted Southerners who were living here temporarily, they could not get over the thick (and dare I say, appalling) Boston accents of Bernie and Phyll, the owners of Bernie and Phyll’s Furniture. I remember asking Meg at one point not to judge all Bostonians by Bernie and Phyll.

Bernie and Phyll are two dumpy, elderly, nasal, store owners who think that they are the best TV “pitchpeople” for their furniture chain. If you’ve seen their commercials, you’ll know they are not. Though I would not go so far as to agree with comedian Gary Gulman that “there’s nobody worse than those two douchebags,” it would only be because I would reserve that phrase for Bob of Bob’s Furniture.

Bob’s commercials are even more obnoxious than Bernie and Phyll’s. One time he ran an ad during which two cartoon faces superimposed into actual human feet had a conversation about recliners. I think. I’ve blocked it from my consciousness, and if I think about it too long, I'll develop post-traumatic stress disorder. Bob of Bob’s Furniture also has the most insane catchphrase I’ve ever heard, which is, wait, get ready for it: “Busted!” I guess this is a step up from his original catchphrase, “I doubt it.” The biggest difference between Bob and every other folksy furniture pitchman on Beantown TV, however, is that his furniture is crap. At least at Bernie and Phyll’s you can actually find nice pieces for your home. The only people who are bigger losers than Bob are his customers.

Boston television has a glut of folksy, middle-aged and obnoxious furniture pitchmen. This dates back to the days when Barry and Eliot of Jordan’s Furniture, began hawking their stores (“in Waltham, Main Street to Moody Street and in Nashua, left on Spitbrook, right on Daniel Webstah”) on Boston radio and then TV. Barry and Eliot, like Bernie and Phyll and Bob, but not quite as bad, annoyed many people at first but then grew into lovable local characters (although I could totally see why they could be nemeses for some of you out there in Readerland). They are aging hipsters with ponytails who have used their money and their fame to raise awareness of adoption of foster children and also offer extensive charitable events at their stores. In recent years, they gained some positive press for taking ALL of their employees from five different stores to Bermuda for a day to celebrate the company’s going public and and from their clever “Monstah payback” promotion which allows customers to get full refunds on furniture if the Red Sox sweep the World Series (this has happened twice).

Unfortunately, Bob and his tacky wife, Bernie and Phyll, and now Bernie and Phyll’s hideously unhip and bloated "kids," are poor imitations of Barry and Eliot. They are Barry and Eliot wannabees - and, trust me, there’s nothing sadder than a Barry and Eliot wannabe especially without the likeability, the social activism, community generosity and quality furniture.

Actors Who Applaud Themselves at Awards Shows - This is self-explanatory and I was reminded of it while watching the Tony Awards earlier this week. OMG, did no one teach these people that you just don't clap for yourself when they call your name? Someone needs to remind these nominees to sit back, relax and enjoy the moment. They should relish the applause they're receiving but also show a little more class.

So those are the nemeses I can think of at the moment. The worst thing about all of the nemeses I have described, and perhaps about all nemeses in general, is that they show up when you least expect them to. You can be going about your lovely day and boom! a fake Minuteman ruins your trip to Lexington and Concord or the Gwyneth Paltrow lifestyle segment on Oprah is followed by a Bernie and Phyll’s commercial.

I'm sure I'll think of more nemeses as time goes on or more will simply appear in my life attempting to, but not succeeding at, making my head explode. In the meantime, I will continue my valiant attempts, OK valiant rants, to try prevent them from increasing my blood pressure. Namaste.

Gadget is the One For Me

I bought two pounds of strawberries at Wilson Farms yesterday, and I wanted to make sure I prepped them as soon as possible so that they wouldn't rot in my fridge as so many of my more impulsive fruit and vegetable purchases do.

"Where's my strawberry huller?" I thought as I hurriedly looked through the drawers in my kitchen cabinets. Dammit. I know I have a strawberry huller! Doesn't everybody? Shouldn't everybody? My search revealed that not only do I have one strawberry huller, I have TWO
strawberry hullers.

If you don't have a strawberry huller, you may want to get one (or I'll give you one of mine). It's a silly little gadget but a very satisfying one. You see, if you prefer fresh strawberries to those frozen in a plastic bag, you know that they come with a little green leaf and stem which need to be removed. A strawberry huller is a little piece of metal with rounded tips that completes this process in the most efficient way. The huller lifts up the leaves and pinches the stem. In one motion, you insert it and twist, pulling out the leaves and stem while keeping the rest of the strawberry in tact.

Now, you could always cut the green leaf and stem off with a knife, but you can lose quite a bit of strawberry or end up slitting the strawberry or worse, your finger, with that method. Years ago, I remember being down the Cape at my friend Beth's, and her mom put us to work hulling and cutting strawberries for shortcake. Mrs. Wells was adamant that we not waste any of the top of the strawberry in cutting off the leaves and removing the stems. We were hindered by paring knives, though, and unfortunately for our efforts, it was a task more easily bossed than done.

As a former employee of Crate and Barrel, I've had many opportunities to sample (or be seduced into buying) various kitchen gadgets, some of them wonderful, some of them useless. In any case, over the last two-plus decades since the day I first set foot in one of their stores, I've tried them all, and here is my Best and Worst Gadget List.

For the record, my favorite brand is Oxo and it's also worth nothing that the vast majority of my gadgets are plain and untrendy (no terra cotta-colored spatulas to coordinate with my kitchen rug, thanks). There are no gadgets in my kitchen drawers that I don't use.

"Wait'll you see my gadgets! You'll want'em for your valentines…"

Apple corer – A couple of years ago, my friend Deborah gave me two ceramic apple bakers as a gift. I love them (and recommend them both for oven and microwave use) but to use them you need to core an apple. Have you ever tried coring an apple with a knife? Don't. Use an apple corer instead.

Box grater – If you are Italian, this is "your grandmother's cheese grater." It stands upright in a rectangle shape with different grating options on each side. I like it for grating large amounts of cheese (a better consistency than using a food processor) or for grating zucchini or carrots. Rather than try to soften brown sugar that's hardened into a lump, I just grate it. I actually think it's quicker that way, and the sugar becomes refined and smooth.

Cake and cookie decorating accessories – If you like to bake, even if only occasionally like me, using an inexpensive cake decorating kit or cookie cutters can make a lovely, if sometimes subtle, difference. Fun for kids and adults, even the littlest decoration can make you look like an Ace of Cakes. BTW, piping bags are great for neatly stuffing cherry tomatoes, celery or mini quiches with filling.

Immersion blender – A phallic, metal "mixer" that purees soup right in the pot. No pouring a gallon of hot liquid into a food processor any more! I know it's not really a gadget, but I had to give it a mention. This is my new favorite kitchen item, and I wish I'd invented it. What a time saver and my soups are perfect! (And like many gadgets, it's got kind of a sexy vibe to it. ;)

Knives, knives, knives – OK, again, not gadgets, but invest in your knives and keep them sharp. (There's no such thing as a quality knife that never needs sharpening. That is hype.) Good knives can do everything and cut down (get it? Cut down?) on the need for silly gadgets.

Lemon reamer – My second favorite thing about this gadget is its dirty name. If you like lots of citrus flavor and a little pulp mixed in with your lemon or lime juice, this is the gadget for you. Simply cut the lemon or lime in half, insert the pointy end of the reamer into the flesh and squeeze and twist. Lots of juicy, pulpy mush and a bit more innuendo. Yummm.

(Lemon) zester – Some recipes call for a little bit of the colored part of a lemon, orange or lime peel to provide that extra bit of "zing." It's important when zesting to only zest the colored part of the peel, not the white. I prefer the zester to the small grater because there's rarely a risk that you'll go too far deep into the white of the peel. I also enjoy dragging it across the lemon or orange and seeing the little curlicues. It's a slower process but somehow more satisfying.

Narrow spatula – I love spatulas, but the long, narrow one can make all the difference if you're trying to get that last little drop of mustard out of the jar because it's all you have left and you need one more teaspoon for that salad dressing recipe and the company will be here any minute!

Paddle grater – Ah, the paddle grater. Just hold it over the food and grate the cheese. No fuss, no muss. It's also easy to clean and takes up very little space.

Pastry wheel – If you like making pastry, this little gadget will make even your poorest effort look pretty. Spray a bit of Pam on the wheel and spin, and the dough will be less likely to stick as you "wheel" it. (Thanks, Martha, for that tip.)

Stainless garlic press – After having bought and disliked several types of trendy garlic presses during my lifetime, I returned years ago to the stainless steel, one-piece garlic press – just like Nonna used to use. If it's all one piece, it will never warp, and the press part will never break off (as one of my trendier models did once). Your garlic press doesn't need to be pretty, just effective.

Vacu Vin – The best!! This is also called a wine saver, but the brand I've had and loved forever is Vacu Vin so hence the plug. If you haven't finished a bottle of red wine (Haven't finished? What?!?), you can insert the little plastic plug into the bottle and pump, pump, pump the air out with the Vacu Vin. This will keep the wine from oxygenating any further and keep it available to you for a few more days.

Gadgets that seemed like a good idea at the time but just don't do it for me:

Cheese plane – Maybe you'll eat less cheese by scraping this across the top of the brick, but the slices are too long and thin. Ultimately your pretty cheese and crackers display will have this warped, bowed hunk of cheese in the center. Slice the cheese in advance and fan it out to make things easier and less awkward for your guests.

Citrus peeler – This is a $.75 waste of time. It's a small plastic stylus that cuts through citrus to make peels. Don't let the name fool you; you still have to peel your own orange...with the fingers God gave you. (And even if you don't have fingers, this gadget still isn't going to help you.)

Corn picks – Maybe these are helpful for kids, but when I was little all I remember about using corn picks was that I'd go to bite into the corn and one pick would come out, or be at an angle, or wouldn't go into the ear. By the time you get settled with the corn picks, the corn is cool enough to pick up with your hands.

Egg separator – Um, yeah, it's also called the 'shell of the egg' and it's free. Crack the egg over a bowl and pour it egg back and forth while allowing the whites to fall over the shell. The yolk remains inside. It ain't brain surgery.

Honey dipper – What a mess! It should be called a honey dripper. Just buy honey in a squeeze bottle and you'll be good to go.

Horizontal peelers (They look like cheese planes.) – These simply do not peel as well as peelers on which the blade runs vertically.

Lettuce knife – If you must cut your lettuce, any serrated knife will do. You don't need one specifically designated for lettuce. How about tearing your lettuce by hand? Or grating it on your Box Grater? Or buying salad-in-a-bag? Seriously. Get a life.

Mini tongs – Unless you still have a toaster in which the toast repeatedly gets caught, I'm not sure why anyone would ever need mini tongs. If you do find you have a need for them, go with wooden ones.

Mortar & pestle – My sister loved her mortar and pestle in the 80's although I hardly know what she was grinding with it. Unless you're a doctor/barber circa 1450 or a practicing witch, there is no need to give up counter space for this heavy item.

Mouli grater – I used to love the Mouli grater when it was all the rage in the late 80s/mid 90s. This grater allows you to insert a wedge of cheese which is then grated by a rolling grater inside. It's not as convenient as it may seem though. First, you have to slice off a piece of the larger hunk of cheese to insert into the grater. The cheese often remains inside the barrel, forcing you to tap or hit it until it falls out in a lump onto the plate. Also, when you're done grating, there's that little piece of Parmesan left over which is too small to be grated; too big to throw away. This grater also requires two hands, so it wouldn't be of any help to a person with arthritis or other "grasp issues" either.

Tea bag squeezer – Ah, yes, another naughty name... If you're drinking tea brewed from a bag, there's no need for a "fancy" tea bag squeezer. Just pick the bag up with your teaspoon, wrap the string around it and squeeze the liquid into your tea cup.

Tea infuser – I've never met a tea infuser that didn't leak loose leaf tea into the cup! Arrgh! My former Crate and Barrel co-worker, Mary, who was off-the-boat-from-Ireland finally helped me solve my problem when she said, "Just hold a small strainer over the cup and pour the tea through it. That's what we do in Dublin." So I did and still do – with nary a loose leaf in me cuppa.

Wine openers – Again, unless you have arthritis, these are a complete waste of counter space. I was given an upright bottle opener for my last birthday (clearly a re-gift from the now defunct Linens 'N Things, which is in my car awaiting donation to the Salvation Army.

You can have it, along with my second strawberry huller.