During the summer, I'm a stay-at-home-educator, and despite having as Frank McCourt calls it, ATTO (all that time off), my schedule pretty much mirrors the one I keep during the school year. I'm up around 7ish, even on weekends, and because I am a channel surfer supreme, I openly admit that I watch infomercials, QVC and sometimes HSN. I freely admit that I've purchased (and returned) merchandise from TV, too. So here's my take on stuff you can buy on TV.
Proactiv. Probably the best product you can buy on television or for your skin, period. I've been using this stuff since before their spokesperson, Jessica Simpson, was born. OK, maybe not. In 1995, I developed a mild case of rosacea, and in every picture taken of me at the time, my cheeks are really flushed. I gave off a perpetual look of just having had sex or worked out. While I won't comment on the sex part, it was for sure that I hadn't worked out. When I learned that working out could exacerbate rosacea, I stopped doing impact aerobics, and gained ten pounds that I've never lost. I am in fact, much more vain about my face than I am about my thighs. Hey, a girl has to set priorities.
In addition to trying not to flush my face, I cooled it on alcohol (bummer) and tried a couple of medications. One, mitronidozole (?), or something like that, literally flaked my face like a bad sunburn. At one point, desperate for a cure, I bought these $75 salt stones from the internet. They worked better than the medications, but I still was "flaky." Then one day, as they say on the infomercial, I was watching a Proactiv commercial for the millionth time and finally decided to buy it. I called a customer service rep., and asked if it would help acne rosacea. She said they had no evidence of that, but with their money-back guarantee, I had nothing to lose. So I bought it and tried it, and just like those sob stories on the commercial, my skin improved within 24 hours.
Over ten years later, I'm now reduced to using it only occasionally, but I'm happy to report the rosacea is gone. I still work out and drink. And for a healthy glow, even have sex sometimes. NICE. P.S. I've told the Proactiv people how much this product helped my rosacea, but they still don't market it that way. If you know someone with rosacea, they should give it a try.
The Firm - Ah, my love-hate relationship with The Firm. In 1990, I went to see my friend Kevin's friend Jimmy's girlfriend play Louise in Gypsy. In the musical, she had to strip (tastefully), and she looked great. I asked her how she got in shape for the role, and she said that she did an exercise video called The Firm. $50 later, I had the same video - the first Firm video, starring Susan Harris, one of many thin, pretty, cut Master Instructors with a Southern accent. The video is outdated: they use wooden blocks for squats and the instructor wears jazz shoes, but man, oh, man, that is a good workout.
Today, you can buy The Firm on TV. They stay in business by creating a new exercise product (also known as a gimmick) for each new video series. Whether it's a 10" step up box, a 14" fanny firming system, adjustable weights (which they originally criticize in the first video), or a cumbersome sculpting stick, they always come up with something new to keep you interested. What keeps me interested, though, is the original choreography, by a woman named Anna Benson. I still do "Firm I," "Firm IV," and Complete Aerobics and Weight Training with Emily. My favorite instructors are Susan Harris, Kai Soremekun, Emily Welsh and Allie del Rio. I think Jen Carmen is full of herself and the Janet Jones Gretsky tape is laughable. (She can't cue in time and throughout the video refers to the back-of-your-arm muscles as "tricepts.")
I admit (and you can see) that I haven't been 100% faithful to The Firm over the years, and whenever I gain weight, it's because I've stopped doing The Firm. The thing that sucks/is great about The Firm is that it's HARD. And if you stop doing it, it can be a real challenge to get back up to speed with it. Let's face it, if you were doing lunges with no weights and then you gain ten pounds, now you have to do the same damn lunges with ten pounds - yours! Despite a recent knee injury, I'm doing the tapes again. Underneath my top layer of fat, I have significant muscles and am very toned. In fact, I am a strong, fast kayaker, an activity I do only sporadically, due to the fact that I've been doing "lat rows" with The Firm for 18 years. Same for my delts. If you can fall in love with lifting weights, you will feel like you can kick ass. If you want to try The Firm, you can buy it on TV or at Target. Or you can buy the videos used on ebay or Amazon.
Murad - I tried Murad once for a moisturizer, and went right back to Proactiv.
HSN Technibond - This is great fake gold jewelry, ladies. If you want to buy yourself a little "bauble" but can't afford gold (and I am a gold girl), the HSN costume jewelry rocks. (Note: I wrote that this is great fake jewelry for women to buy for themselves. No self-respecting man should ever buy his S.O. jewelry from television and no self-respecting woman should ever accept it.) I have a fake sapphire, which is very dramatic at fancy events, and a new citrine ring. I had a stunning right-hand ring that absolutely looked real, but it was stolen out of my car. (I had taken it off to go to the gym. See, if I'd been doing The Firm at home, I'd still have my ring.)
Wen Hair Care - run, don't walk, to your remote and turn off this ridiculous informercial. I should have known that anything starring Melissa Gilbert was a crock. I'm sorry, but putting more and more goop in your hair every day can NOT make it cleaner. This stuff is gross. Oh, and if you don't listen to me and buy it, make sure you get a tracking # when you return it. You may have to follow up to make them credit you.
Principal Secret - I've never tried it, but my friend Christine, who had some skin issues, LOVES it.
QVC - Some of their stuff is great. I have a large, wooden jewelry armoire (to hold all my HSN technibond rings), and a really cool faux toille makeup organizer that I bought from QVC and LOVE. They are both an organizer's dream and are of good quality. As much as I love Joan Rivers, her jewelry is just too old and conservative for me. I admit I've bought some and then returned it right away. I've also fallen in love with Maxx NY handbags on QVC. They're gorgeous and of course, cheaper than at Nordstrom. QVC also sells Birkenstock sandals. Please don't ever buy these. From anybody. You will just look like an unattractive hippie.
Bare Minerals - great product; it hides a multitude of skin sins and I believe, as they claim, that it does really improve my skin's tone. You can buy it for less at Sephora or Ulta than on TV. My friend Steve Sollitto, who is a hair and makeup stylist in LA, recommended it to me a few years ago. Love it. I don't like the eye shadow, though, and I don't believe that all colors of eye shadow work for any shade of eyes, as they claim. The Almay "play it up" series is much better for making your eyes "pop."
Sheer Cover - Oh, Leeza, SHUT UP. She is really annoying. I don't know how someone can be so cheerful all the time, and so thoroughly grateful to have been voted off Dancing with the Stars. I bought Sheer Cover because I got bored with Bare Minerals (same reason why I tried Murad). Sheer Cover is, in a word, ICKY. It's like pancake makeup and I returned it. However, their mascara and lip glosses are lovely. They go on smoothly and look beautiful. You have to be a Sheer Cover "member" though, in order to get products; BUT being a member means that unless you're up their ass all the time, they'll keep sending you the Sheer Cover base makeup even after you've told them you only want a damn lip gloss. Buy their stuff - on ebay.
And finally we have Jeanne Bice's Quacker Factory. This is the saddest segment on QVC and perhaps on television. This ridiculous, fat, head-band-wearing woman sells these equally hideous "theme" sweaters and T shirts on QVC. Coming soon: "Jesus on the Cross embroidered Easter cardigans!" If Stacy and Clinton were dead, they'd be rolling in their graves. This segment is now a frequent target of Joel McHale on E!'s The Soup. Thank God. If anyone in my family ever bought something from Quacker Factory, I'd disown them.
Lo-cal Fruity Vodka Martini for Summer
Mix 1/3 Absolut Mandrin vodka with 2/3 Ocean Spray Light Cran-Raspberry. Garnish with a lemon or lime.
Don't drink too many or you'll buy stupid things from TV and/or get rosacea.
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